Shame On Me

Shame on me for even doing a 2 week retreat.

I am back from my 2 week sabbatical and I have attempted to write this blog post about 3 times.

Every time I run my mouse over the words and hit delete.

I have so many thoughts running through my mind.  They are raw and full of emotion.  Yet as I would re-read my words; I didn’t feel I was sharing the message, rather I was sharing  random thoughts of anger.

Anger that I had allowed others to determine my worth.

Anger that I allowed other to walk all over me.

Anger that I had been dishonest about my abstinence from compulsive overeating.

Anger that I ignored my gut about how I was carrying out the purpose that God created for me.

Anger at myself for being a business failure.

During one of my talks with the Behavioral Health Director, I realized that I was punishing myself for not being a successful business woman and being able to walk away without much financial repercussions.

All the anger  was really not anger but rather shame:

I am ashamed that I allowed other to determine my worth.  After all, I am almost 49 years old, I should know better.

I am ashamed that I allowed others to walk all over me; I should have known better.

I am ashamed that I was dishonest about my abstinence from compulsive eating.  After all, I am supposed to be an expert, I should know better!

I am ashamed that I ignored my gut because I always tell others to listen to theirs. 

I am ashamed that I allowed others to tell me how to build a business when what they were saying felt gross and icky. 

I am ashamed and embarrassed that I suck at making it all fit. 

In Daring Greatly, Brene Brown states the difference between guilt and shame.  Guilt happens when we feel like we have gone against a value while shame is when we allow the outside environment to judge us.

Shame on me for allowing others opinions to run my life.

Shame builds a wall from your God built self.

Shame launches you into a plethora of behaviors that try to shush the shame away such as: overly and underly drinking, eating, shopping, and a plethora of other behaviors.

As far as making it all fit; I am pausing.  I am open to closing shop; if that is what is meant to be. 

Over the next few weeks; I am going to share deeply on my healing.  I am doing for myself and putting on this blog so that I never forget this journey.  If it helps you, fantastic; but that is not my focus.

It is really all about me now. 

The great thing about shame is that once you bring it out to the light of day; it loses its power.    Once you can get honest and surrender and show your vulnerability, shame cannot survive.

Shame may not leave immediately but it will leave.  Just keep it in the light, learn from it, thank it and transform it into your healing mojo.