When I tailgate God he just goes slower.

I really thought I was special: One of a kind. No one could compare to me!

Last week a friend was telling me about a book titled God Winks by Squire Rushnell.

Wish I could tell you that I have read it but I have not yet; waiting for vacation.

Then, as she was sharing the premise of the book and how it had affected her; I thought:

“I am special; God doesn’t wink at me.”

When it comes to most things in life; luckily God is a wink-a-holic and I hope that  he knows how grateful I am; yet career-wise I believed that he was all winked out!

I have been working on my shame; working on feeling it, moving it and letting it go and it is easy to believe that I have let it go when I am sitting at my home alone organizing and watching re-runs of Law & Order Criminal Intent.

Then Friday comes and I had committed to going to an all day mastermind that my friend was facilitating hosted by The Tapestry Network.

I must put this in all caps: I DID NOT WANT TO GO!  I didn’t want sympathy for being a loser and I had nothing to share.  I didn’t want to say how lost I had felt or that I like being alone and the phone not ringing.

I loved being forgotten.

Yet, I told myself I would go for a few hours and then go home.  After all, the dog needed feeding and Bill Spencer was being a real jerk on the Bold and the Beautiful and I didn’t want to miss a minute of that!

A trainwreck I cannot stop watching!

Reluctantly, I set up my iPad and tried to avoid talking too much to anyone.  A friend of mine next to me told me that the sparkle in my eyes was hiding.  I thought so what?  I have so much if I have to suck at being a business owner then I will buck it up and take it.

Within the next 20 minutes I had left the room squatting in a bathroom stall crying my eyes out while trying to be silent so that no one would know that I was crying my eyes out!

Why was I crying?

I felt like such a loser, stupid failure, disgusting human being.  If my stuff was not in that room I would have left but alas I had to go pick up my stuff.

I walked back in and started packing my supplies to leave.

My friend who noticed the dim in my eyes asked what was wrong.  I whispered that I couldn’t do this; I had nothing to contribute and I had to leave.

She grabbed my hand and just started praying.  I began to cry harder and the other 2 women at my table were looking at me like “Who is this crazy woman?”

She asked me to just stay for one mastermind session (which was an hour) and if I felt like leaving then I would go.

So, I did.

Luckily I was the last one to share and when it was my time guess what?

I CRIED AGAIN!

Big old tears hit the table, snot hit the table.

I let it all out.  I shared how much of a loser I was, a failure, a stupid woman who belonged at home waiting to serve one of my family members.

I shared that I had invested over 6 figures in this business and I had learned to hate it and to hate myself.

Eventually I couldn’t speak, I just sobbed.

My little angel next to me asked me to look at her and with such force she shared that I was NOT A LOSER OR A FAILURE.

She told me that I had helped her.

She told me that I had helped numerous women in the room change their health.

She told me that I was talented, a born speaker, workshop leader.

She told me that she missed me.

That was GOD’S WINK #1

The other 2 woman were new to my world but what they shared shifted something within me.  One said she admired my courage for coming in here and being so transparent.  The other one told me that she needed me so please don’t stop doing what you are doing.

All 3 said that failure is a GOOD thing. Even though I knew it in my head, it finally sunk into my heart.

That was GOD’S WINK #2.

During lunch, I sat with 3 of my super-fabulous girlfriends and I finally felt the courage to share what God had been sharing with me in my morning pages.

Until then, I had not even said it out loud because I didn’t trust that I was hearing correctly.  What I want to do will require more courage than I feel able to muster up and I didn’t want to sink more money into something until I had the courage.

When I shared it; BAM the lights went on.

By the end of the day I had a basic outline, a name and purchased the domain name.

That was GOD’S WINK #3

I finally get that God determines when and how and the more I ride on his toushie the slower it will happen.

To be honest I am not ready to share it yet,  I am still enjoying being at home, getting organized and working on myself.

Yea, I also enjoy watching Bill Spencer make an A** out of himself.

In the end, I am special and I am not special.   I am special but so is everyone else.  Lissa Rankin said that not me; thought I better give her credit

So, God is winking at you and maybe you have your eyes closed.

Maybe you are not even looking his direction.

Maybe that wink scares you.

I get it because it still scares me.

I did leave that mastermind early because I was DRAINED!

I felt like a 4 year old who just had a temper tantrum and had to take a nap.

The lessons:  

• If you desire it so does God.  
• The timetable is according to God so don’t tailgate him; he only goes slower.  
• God is winking so focus on seeing it instead of thinking that you are special and he doesn’t wink at you!
• Finally, watching the Bold and the Beautiful is still my guilty pleasure and I am ok with that!  It is ok to just tune out and jump into someone else’s drama as long as it doesn’t take from your joy.