Hypocrite Chronicles: How I Justified My Binges
4 years ago I went to Hilton Head Health Institute for 4 weeks. The purpose then was to further my abstinence and figure out my next chapter.
At the time I was 6 months into recovery with the help of a 12 step program. I was on my way to healing and those 4 weeks catapulted me into a purpose that eventually threatened my abstinence.
This trip to H3 was about recapturing my abstinence and figuring out my next chapter again.
Yet, I didn’t realize that I had lost my abstinence even though I had gained back 15 pounds. More on that in a second…..
I arrived at H3 incognito. I didn’t share what I did for a living.
I shared no nutritional knowledge.
I nodded my head when other guests shared their nutritional knowledge.
During my first meeting with my Behavioral mentor, shared that I was here to heal and strategize.
I told her that 15 pounds had “mysteriously” appeared and they wouldn’t budge no matter!
Her response: “This extra weight is has a message; could be that it is telling you that you are out of alignment with your life?”
“Could it be that your focus on your business has lost its “God?”
In other words, I decided that I knew how to build a business better than God.
I decided that goals, revenue, followers and fans measured my worth.
Ouch! She is right and I knew it deep down. In fact, if you came to me with this same issue, I probably would have said the same, yet I could not help myself.
Until I could.
Her assignment was for me to get quiet and listen to my heart. What did I truly want?
Goal achieving, the money, the followers and fans are needed and wanted but they are just the affects to my cause.
So, I scrapped it all and got quiet.
For 23 days, I have written 3 pages to God, asking him to share what he has in mind.
In my notebook, I have heard a lot of quiet.
Wait, Pause, Relax….
Lots of shame around this waiting.
After all, I failed and I believed that I should be punished.
I shouldn’t be able to walk away with little financial repercussions.
Once you can write this all down on paper, I could see the nonsense within those thoughts.
So, what about this binge-fest that I have been hinting at?
During my second day at H3, rigorous honesty was discussed in an inner food dialogue lecture.
My rigorous dis-honesty slapped me in the face when I remember this ongoing Saturday Ritual:
Every Saturday after spinning, I would visit Whole Foods.
Even though I knew better, I would end up being starved during my shopping.
So, I would buy a bag of gluten free pretzels (big bag) and eating out of the bag until I got home and then throwing the rest away upside down so that I was not tempted to pull the bag out of the trash. (Been there done that!)
My little food dialogue went something like this:
” I am hungry and I cannot let myself get too hungry or I will binge so I better eat something. After all, Saturday is treat day Doesn’t the 4 hour diet dude say that you can eat whatever your want on Saturday? I am going to eat these pretzels. They won’t trigger me because they are gluten-free and I am sure the gluten is what made me binge. I blame it all on the gluten! After all, Marc David believes there is no such thing as a food addiction and I love me some Marc David!”
“I promise not to eat the whole bag and I can have it until I get home then I promise to dump the remainder in the trash can open side first!”
The drive home was heavenly! I stuffed as many pretzels as possible and I did dump the pretzels in the trash. However, the bag was almost empty and I only live 5 minutes from Whole Foods.
An hour later I craved something sweet.
“Yeah, treat day! The 4 hour diet dude said so and since I follow his bible I can have a treat!” (I don’t follow his stuff at all!)
So, I indulged in a healthy Isagenix protein bar.
This may not sound like a big deal to you but looking back I realized that I was doing this often.
I was dancing around my abstinence and coming clean was the only way to move forward.
You may not have this sort of issue as I do but I wonder; do you find yourself wondering “why did I just eat that?”
If so, then go back to the event and write down the conversation that you were having with yourself and the food.
No judgment allowed. Only curiosity and love!