Darn it I Binged and it Felt So Good!

172 Days without a Binge and Splat it was all over in a second.

I didn’t want to believe I binged; after all I was hungry.

Yet, I did it; a whole f*cking sleeve of saltines.

Yes, those scare white crackers with the salt are my nemesis; but I forgot they were delicious!

How did I get my hands on these decadent, gluten-filled seduction of a cracker?

I had not even thought about them in years and then all of a sudden BAM I was crunching down a whole sleeve.

Last week, my husband was getting some testing done and I was a bit nervous.

Although I knew everything would be ok, you just never know right?

Well, he was told that he could only have soup and saltines for the rest of the day.

When I heard “SALTINES” my mouth started salivating.

As I drove to the store for them, I prayed to God asking him to keep them at bay.

As I bought them, memories of eating them while watching television and drowning out the hell that was happening around me sent shivers up and down my spine.

Then, I got hungry and I had nothing to eat except those crackers.

At first I took 6 and told myself that I was going to eat them slowly, savoring them.

The next thing I knew I was crumbling the wrapper and my stomach was bulging like I was 6 months pregnant.

I told myself; surely I didn’t binge, after all I was hungry!

Then I remember that I had a food addiction and even when hungry those trigger foods are my alcohol.  I cannot have just one sip or one bite.

I was really disappointed and angry at myself.

“How can I binge still?”  “I know better!”

Then I remember that I have a disease and even though it may seem like I am on top of it; it is strong and can tackle me in an instant.

I soothed myself with some water and laid my head down.

In the past I would have berated myself which would lead to more binging.  This time, I just gave myself a nice belly rub and asked the magic question:

What the heck happened?

1. I was not prepared.  Even though the test was early and I had worked out my husband had rushed me so I didn’t get to eat breakfast.  WHAT I LEARNED:  Know that he is going to rush me and for just that day it was ok; so be extra prepared.

2. I was scared.  Lately my mind has been obsessing over fears of loss and I had allowed my head to take over my soul.  So food was my only soother.  WHAT I LEARNED:  Take a time out and breathe.  I know it sounds too simple, but it does work.

3. I forgot my trigger foods.  I totally forgot that saltines trigger my binges.  I love them; like fruit loops they put me into Lala land.  WHAT I LEARNED:  I didn’t have to get saltines.  I could have purchased some crackers that I knew I wouldn’t binge on.

Today, I have 3 sleeves of saltines left and I haven’t even thought about them until I started writing this blog.

So, there you go I binged; I confessed!

How about you?  Can you relate?  Let me know in the comments section.