Coming Out of the Closet
PODCAST: You can listen to this episode and download its mp3 from my podcast HERE.
I have a confession; something that I have been hiding for over 7 years.
I have been having an affair; with my higher power.
In the winter of 2009, I was deep into an addiction with food. I gained 60 pounds in 5 years. I couldn’t control my binges and I felt such utter and deep shame that driving off a bridge seemed like the only way to stop the shame cycle. What stopped free from that slight right turn into the cold Mississippi wasn’t a deep love for myself; rather a deep love for my car. After all it was new and you know they lose their value as soon as you drive them off the lot.
I worked with nutritionists, psychologist, psychiatrists, personal trainers. I got hypnotized, poked with needles and drank potions.
Many of these professionals just didn’t know how to deal with my compulsion to binge. They would throw up their hands and say “I don’t know how to help you.”
The other side of my encounter on the bridge drove me straight to God. He knew how to help and heal me. All I had to do was to surrender and be willing and he took care of the rest.
As a result of ending my affair with food and replacing with a deep love affair with God, the weight came off. I healed my relationships with family and friends and I found a new career.
Yet, through all this transformation, I rarely shared my deep love for God.
To be honest, sharing this with you feels scary. Will you think I am woo woo? Will you think I am some strange egg with my head in the clouds? If I share my deep love for God will you expect me to be perfect?
So I hid my spiritual practices from everyone, including my family.
Sometimes after my early morning workout I would jump into a 7:30am catholic mass close to my home because I needed to; yet I never told anyone.
So why am I sharing this now? Why not keep my affair a secret? After all, is it really anyone’s business?
I share because I realized that hiding this relationship was keeping me from experiencing true spiritual alignment and peace and joy.
This affair had to be out in the open so it can grow. Keeping it hidden just fueled my need to be accepted which led to my shame about my love for God.
As I continue to keep this affair hidden; the less I can help those who I am called to serve. The people, like me who cannot seem to stop the cycle of binging.
I am not cured of my compulsion for binging. It still hides in the background waiting for me to turn my back on God and I do sometimes. This food affair is a progressive compulsion that can sneak into the back doorways of your mind convincing you that the cookie won’t do any harm. It is seductive. It seduces. Although eating plans, exercises and mindset changes are corner pieces of the healing puzzle the true heart comes from nurturing that relationship with God, Higher Power, Goddess, Buddha; whatever name works for you.
I stepped out of that closet. The affair is out in the open and now as I feel my higher power standing next to me; I realize all that shame is really sham to keep me small, hidden and safe.