Judgy Wudgy Was a Bear of a B*tch
Last week I wrote about God Winking and I get real about how I believe a suck. You can read it here.
I hate when coaches write the feedback was amazing but I am going to say it anyway:
THE FEEDBACK WAS AMAZING!
I was commended for my courage.
The funny thing is that my website gets such little traffic I was sure no one would see it.
It is easy to be courageous when no one is looking!
I did share it with a few friends and from there it was shared a little more.
I wouldn’t say it went viral; yet it did get a bit of traction because people love for others to be vulnerable.
It makes them human and real.
In that blog post I share how I felt like a total failure in business and how I came out on the other end with the birth of a purpose.
I am not ready to share it and I am not ready to jump in head first and go for it because this purpose means too much to me.
Jumping in and just taking action will taint this process because I still have work to do on myself before I am ready to share it.
I know this: It takes courage to say I am not ready yet.
I know this: I have a bunch of anger, resentment and judgment to release and that will take time.
I refuse to take those emotions into the next chapter.
It is one thing to say I failed and I sucked.
It is another to admit that I have not acted very kindly because this may change your vision of me from being a courageous woman who showed her vulnerability to being a raging bitch.
Once I decided to close my business, I released 10 pounds pretty quickly then the weight release stopped.
Of course, my first defense was to go over what I was eating, how I was exercising and maybe I need to be “better.”
Luckily,feeling myself saying be better made my skin crawl so I ran to my journal.
I wrote: What is this extra weight trying to tell me?
The answer came swiftly and quickly: You are being a bitch.
I still have all these judgments about:
- Not deserving the good I do have.
- Never ever being able to buy my worth.
- Hating the ones who have hurt me.
- Putting my foot in my mouth.
To combat these judgments: I will gossip, avoid, be a road raging driving bitch and picking apart someone who was mean to me to their bare core.
Oh don’t you worry, dear friend: I judge myself 10 times more harshly than I judge others.
Every time I walk away from a conversation, I pick apart what I have said and ask myself: why can’t you just shut up?
It is exhausting, exasperating and usually would send me head first into the cereal box.
I have not binged in over 63 days and for today I will not.
Yet, I need a way to finally process all these feelings and thoughts and then forgive.
Especially to forgive myself.
When I can make strides towards that while finding a way to process this need to gossip and stopping the cruelty in my head the weight will leave.
Deprivation and overtraining may be easier!
I have demons.
The difference is that I know it and I am committed to using them to rise higher as a human.
In a 12 step program they are called character defects.
I call them my defense weapons for survival. At one time; they did their job.
After 49 years; I am ready to take off my holster and hang up my sword.
I don’t need them anymore.
I love hearing about you and your thoughts. Really I do! If you are feeling courageous can you share how you keep yourself safe in this world? If you are not ready; I honor that. Please leave me a thought; lets get a conversation going about the deep dark sided things we do to keep the boogy man at bay.